A love letter to myself

Dear Olivia,

You make me think. You make me reflect. You make me want to be a better person. You are misunderstood by many, even yourself. You dont give yourself enough credit for the beautiful things you do, see, are. You appreciate a sunset no matter how beautiful or mundane,change,  people’s efforts, connection of body and mind– that of yourself and others. You love real food. You feel stuck sometimes, but I know you’ll always pull yourself out of it. You’re stubborn, which I like because it is 50% a reflection of the standards you have for happiness and honoring what you want, and 50% a reflection of your hard shell. You’ve overcome (for the most part) a life altering disease all while going through the hardest breakup of your life. You feel like you can’t love again the way you loved Sam, but you can. You feel like no one will understand you or love you like he did, but someone will. I hope in the future you are not afraid to change more, take chances, stop studying and start noticing without changing, and just start doing. You’re curious, and I love that about you. You want to learn more, and that desire alone is inspiring. You always try to see the silver lining, the higher power, the lesson to be learned. You get angry, I mean truly angry when you’re sitting in traffic not just because its a reminder how dumb people are, but how you have no control over it, and how you’re wasting your life in a stand-still. You hate that. You make a huge mess when you cook. You try to complete many tasks at once and end up frazzled. You want to live abroad, you want to travel in a van and work remotely, you want to own your own vast, lush garden and eat mostly from there, you want to live in the heart of a city, but also deep in the mountains. You love most music, other than country and pop. Classical, piano, jazz make you feel like you’re finally an adult. Indie makes you feel like you did in college, young and confused. Rap and electronic music makes you feel powerful and energized. Heroin music, well that makes you sad. But you aren’t afraid of feeling sad. When you feel that darkness creep into your mind, it turns your stomach upside down and you understand its uncomfortable, but you also know that it is necessary and that feeling is trying to shake you and say please turn inward and change something, something is not serving you. You want to make a difference in the world but you wish you could redo the last 7 years to make that easier, more possible. You wish you majored in biology or earth sciences. You wish you were in environmental sustainability, a researcher. You wish you could create (you are, just being and perceiving), but you wish you could easily create tangible music, pottery, beautiful drawings on canvas. These words are enough. These words are enough that if someone read them, they’d believe it is a work of art because there is only one you and you are brave enough to write these thoughts down. You are beautiful Olivia, and I know your soul. That soul is sensitive, caring, happy, consistently nostalgic, funny, empathetic, and respectful. I love that you prioritize your health, that you are always finding ways to treat your body better (other than drinking or vaping socially), that you prioritize whole foods, and relationships that serve you. What I love the most about you is that you really do want to be the best version of yourself, and you work hard to make that happen. You wish you were more honest with yourself though. More loyal to yourself. I think you will find that this year. I know you will find that this year. I hope you’re not afraid to be alone, because your mind is a peaceful and beautiful place to be. I think if you were more honest with yourself, you would honor yourself and your happiness. You would’ve broken up with the man who was abusive the second he showed you who he was. You would be able to accept criticism without it ruining your day, or week. You'd be able to make necessary changes, quicker. If you were honest with yourself you would understand yourself better instead of resisting what you feel in your gut because it is comfortable. I hope this year brings you big changes. I hope you don’t get caught in the maze of your mind, of traditional standards or life trajectories. I hope you are steps closer to living abroad, traveling by van, or doing small things that soothes your mind and makes you feel more whole.